I have written this post again and again in my mind, on paper and typed out. I keep trying to craft and find the right words for this post. This is the curse of the blogger – always thinking up new angles, and new ways of saying things. It also has taken me awhile to fully reflect on it, and then choose the right time to release the words out into the public. Because once it’s out there, it’s out there; there can be no take backs. Marriage is tricky even before adding things like moving countries and being an expat. I’ve learnt you need to be a strong partner. So buckle up kids, this post is full of the feels.
For those of you who have followed the blog from the very beginning back when I blogged mostly about getting happy through running. I know who am I even? The short version for the new readers: I first started a blog about learning to run my first 5km, then 10km, then first half marathon, and then I was aiming for a full marathon but fell and hurt my ankle. This all happened around the same time we decided to move over to Ireland, and the blog sort of evolved with all the things that I was feeling and experiencing with the move to a more simple/minimalist approach to life, slow travel and being an expat in a foreign country. ANYWAY, in the early days of the blog, I touched on my depression and some of the more dark crevices of my mind where I tend to overthink and worry about absolutely everything and nothing all at the same time. As a person who has suffered several moments in my life with depression, it has always been a challenge to fully vocalise all the feelings I have. Many people in my life have battled to understand how someone who is pretty much always cracking a joke; loves to giggle and laugh; and generally appear to be super happy with life; can still be the same person who has such low days. Like maybe I was faking the depression, or not trying hard enough to be happy.
Rob however always got it. He would sit down beside me and let me wallow a bit in my feelings, listen attentively to what I was thinking or feeling, and generally just hold me till I felt strong enough to go on. One of the big factors to me getting better was that I finally went to a doctor who understood me much like how Rob understood me, and who gave me the help that I needed. After many months of talking and listening, I started feeling up to running and getting active. A big help to depression is getting active, but the problem is when you are feeling low, you usually are low on energy as well as mood, so you don’t feel like working out or running. There were some pretty dark days in the beginning, saved purely for two reasons: Rob and Running. The two saved me in more ways than I can ever fully express.
For me running was something I could do on my own; it allowed me to stew in my thoughts in a ‘healthier’ way because when I ran, I would replay conversations, vent and rant and win arguments in my head while I pounded the pavement. Most days (read: always) I would complain while lacing up to go for a run, but always came home with a smile on my face. Rob was the one who introduced me to running. I never ran to lose weight (although that was an added benefit), I ran to make myself feel happier. Sometimes my mood would lift just briefly, just as long as the run itself, and sometimes mood lighten for months. That’s the thing with depression, it hides in the corner and basically rocks up when it feels like it – you have no control when it will hit.
OK so this post might be waffling, but I feel I need to set the scene. Stepping back a bit, when we first moved to Johannesburg, I hit a bit of a mental health wobble. I say wobble like it was a little ‘speed-bump’ in my life, but actually that first year we moved up to Joburg was one of the hardest years of my life. I had no idea if I would ever make it through. But I did because Rob guided me through it. He sat with me till the early hours of the morning, and waited till I was strong again. He was incredibly patient with me. I often think back and wonder how he could have stayed and put up with me when I was at my darkest. How he managed to be so composed and loving through all those many months. But the fact he stayed, made me love him even more. It cemented my feelings for him. I knew then that I would love him as hard and for as long as he loved me. That no matter what, we will always be a team. {Side note: Rob and I have a team name; we named ourselves an amalgamation of our names together – Megbert.} So yes it sounds cheesy, but we are a team, and we leave no man or woman behind.
Bringing it to present day: This year has been incredibly emotional for us, in some ways I am not sure I will ever be able to explain all the shit we have been through, in other ways I selfishly want to keep it to ourselves – like it is our battle that we fought together and we wear matching scars now, and we can wear them with pride because only we know what we have been through. The fact that we have made it and that we are very nearly on other side of it (not completely yet though), that tells me how strong we both are.
The saying you are only as strong as the weakest link – that couldn’t be more apt. You see, I know how strong Rob is. I have always known Rob was the strong one. I saw that strength in my dark, sad days in Joburg. I saw his resilience in that he would never give up on me, and so I can never give up on me, because what’s worse than feeling sad, is knowing that I could let him down. Let the team down.
I always thought that he was the stronger team mate, and that I was somehow a little less strong, and a whole lot less sure of myself. I thought I was the weakest link. But this year, through all the darkness, none of it has been because of my sadness, none of it has been because I got depressed again (although, I would argue that you never fully get rid of depression). It was all stuff out of our control. We got hit with a pile of bureaucracy and shit we never thought we would ever have to go through. And for the first time in my life, and in our time together, Rob needed me to be strong. And I was. I did not let the team down. I stood firmly in my resilience and determination to make it all work – no matter the costs. Because this year, the roles were a little reversed. This year, I learnt that I actually am strong, and just how strong I am mentally. This year, I needed to be a better partner, a better wife, a better friend. And I did just that. I reminded him, in his darkest hour of uncertainty and doubt – that we would make it, that we would get through this, that he was the strongest person I know. And in it all, I learnt that I am the strongest person I know too. That inside of me is this incredibly stubborn (thanks Dad) and passionate person – who will not let anything stand in her way. That I have this strength inside of me that will fight to the bitter end to make her and her family feel safe, and loved and strong. Who would have thought that in a time when it would have been so easy to call it quits, move back home, give up and lose my shit (although I truthfully have still lost it a little out of anger & frustration) – I decided those weren’t the only options and that I was determined for it to all work out. And with my strength, I gave Rob strength. I have seen through his eyes, how me being strong for the both of us gave him a little push to step up and try again.
This year I have learnt a lot about myself, and about how strong our marriage is. I think that in marriage, you take turns being the leader and being the strong one. I always thought that I wouldn’t be good in stressful situations – just given my nature to overthink and worry. But what I learnt this year is that I actually can handle much more than I realised. I also learnt that sometimes it is not always Rob’s responsibility to be the leader and the strong one. That sometimes, it can be me.
HAVE YOU MOVED COUNTRIES WITH YOUR PARTNER? WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNT?
Unlock the simple life,
~Meg~
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