I feel like lately I have been starting off most of my blog posts along similar lines. But seriously, moving countries is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. And I feel like the topic of emigrating from your home country to some place foreign is often romanticized. The cold hard truth is unless someone has done it, no one will really understand what it is you are going through. Since moving over, so many people have contacted me about making the same move. And while I fully support the idea that everyone should experience living in a new country, I do think some people need to remove the rose-tinted glasses and really get real with themselves for a minute. In most cases, it is not as simple as hopping on a plane and everything just working out grand. At least that has not been the case for us, it has not been all smooth sailing. If you have been following my blog for a while now, you know that I am all about keeping it real. So if you really want to move to a new country, let me just drop a couple of truth bombs for you, so you can go in with eyes wide open, and fully prepared for what could lie ahead of you.
The comparison game is real strong.
Thanks to social media and the fact that just about everyone knows someone who has moved overseas, and all of them so successfully – you will think it will be easy. You will see your friends post selfies of all their travels all over the world and you will think it all looks magical, and fantastic, and that they just have life figured out while you are still trying to figure out the correct way to put your trash out on the curb.
There are many roads that you can take that, that will lead you to the same destination (hopefully).
What I mean is that your journey may be hugely different to someone else, but you might end up at the same destination. For example, we came to Ireland with Rob on a South African passport, and me on a Canadian passport – which for living in Ireland means that we are essentially the same. There are of course benefits to being an EU passport holder (even if it is just one of you), but it does mean that your path will be vastly different to the path that Rob and I are currently on. It makes it hard to get advice and help from the few people you meet along the way – because there are so many ways to skin this cat.
Plan for every eventuality.
The reality is that things never go as you plan or as you hope. No matter how much you save, and prepare for the worst, moving countries is expensive. It is important to know the details of your visa requirements, work permit issues, on top of things like finding a place to stay, paying bills, opening bank accounts, and basically trying to live in a foreign land.
You are the foreigner.
No matter how you look at it, you are the outsider. When we decided to move to Ireland, I kinda thought the Irish would be funny and welcoming. I also thought that because we both speak English, that it would be easy to connect here. But it hasn’t been so easy. No matter how good you are at making friends and connecting with people, you will always be the strange one, the one who thinks and acts differently from the rest, the one who is different from the rest. And that is something that is hard for someone who doesn’t like standing out.
Behaviours/ cultures/ attitudes will be different to what you are used to.
I have been told by some Irish that they find South African women aggressive and blunt. We personally have found it very hard to read Irish folk. They come across as very polite, and very relaxed but there is a definite undertone of the right and wrong way to behave here. You might also think that everything is grand, but behind your back they are frustrated that you are just not getting it. There is an awful lot of beating around the bush here (compared to back home where people openly speak their mind, whether you want to hear it or not!) and we have had a few indirectly misleading experiences with communication here.
Things turn very slowly here.
Processes and procedures often come across as a bit backward compared to back in South Africa (for example, you have to make and appointment to open up a bank account and you have to go into the bank to fill out the form – FNB, we miss you!). There is various paperwork you need to submit (again, depending on your visa status) to get a work permit, open up a bank account, set up a tax number, etc. The biggest learning curve I have experienced has been to not have things go as planned, and to just roll with it, sometimes things are out of your control and you just have to go through the paper work and wait for a positive response.
Making friends is hard.
It is harder when you get older, and you aren’t single, partying every night or studying with a class full of potential friends. When you move countries in your mid 30’s as a married couple, but also don’t have kids – you find you fit into quite a selective niche which makes making friends hard. We are also on an extremely tight budget right now, so we can’t go out and join a running club, or head to our local for after-work pints every week. Even going out for lunch mid-week with work colleagues is a no-go on our current budget. The truth is, making friends when you know absolutely no one in a country is hard. We have been here for nearly 8 months and I can still count on my hands the amount of people we actually classify as real friends here.
Finding fellow South Africans is inevitable (and also, irritating).
We have tried very hard to not just hang out with South Africans. Actually nothing drives us more crazy than when our parents make jabs that we only hang out with South Africans. Just because you meet fellow South Africans does not mean you have to be friends with all of them. We have been lucky enough to find people we really connect with – and it is regardless of if they are South African or not.
You will constantly be put out of your comfort zone.
Being an expat requires you to put yourself out there – all. the. time. You need to always be making the first move, getting to know people and making plans.
People will question your motives for leaving your country.
They will ask you about your home, and sometimes you will get annoyed at their small-minded perceptions of your country (or that they have only been to Cape Town – check out my 6 reasons why you need to visit other parts of South Africa). I think it is really important for Rob and I that we are brand ambassadors for South Africa, nothing makes me happier talking about how awesome South Africa is. And nothing annoys me more when fellow South African expats put down home and only list off all the reasons they left. Sure South Africa isn’t perfect, but its home, and we flippen love it. We will always be proud to be South African.
No one will ever understand what it feels like to live in a new country.
Unless they are going through it with you, or have done a stint overseas before – no one will get how emotional and hard it can really be. People look at your life in a new country as either 1) they left us; 2) living in a 1st country has got to be awesome; 3) why aren’t you guys just travelling all the time?
People often forget that we are not on a permanent holiday over here. We have to find jobs, work in a new environment, build new work networks and connections (from scratch, and knowing no one), live and pay bills, save for retirement, go to the doctor, grocery shop – just like everyone else back home. The only difference is that for us, nothing is the same as home. Everything is a learning curve just waiting to be figured out.
You will lose friends.
This truth breaks me a little. We are not new to this concept of moving places, and uplifting our life. On a very small-scale we moved from Durban to Johannesburg first. During this process, we lost friends. Some warned us that it would happen, and others just took us completely by surprise. Life gets busy, and I get that. Whats more frustrating is that on top of continually putting yourself out here in a new country, you also need to keep making an effort to keep connecting with friends back home. What I have learnt is that the effort needs to come from both sides. If you are the only one who is the first to send a text, and first to make contact and remind them that you are still here even if you are far away, eventually you take the hint and stop making the first move. I know that to most it is an unintentional “life gets busy” syndrome, and we all have our own shit to deal with. But honestly, knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with when you lose mates back home. For some, you may lose connections with people who might have had negative hold on you, so I guess that is a good thing if you can let go of those friendships. For me, it’s the friends who have been around through so many of your other challenges in life that drift away the minute you are in a new continent that are a lot harder to accept.
Lastly, when people say “If it’s too hard, you guys can always come back” is a bunch of bullshit.
The fact of the matter is that we sold everything we owned to get over here, and the only way out for us is to get through it. We have to make this work. There can be no going back. And the truth is, even if we were to end up going back sooner than we hoped, in 8 months our lives and minds have completely been shifted by this experience. We will be forever changed whatever happens down the line. This process has branded us, good or bad, we are learning through experiencing it all first hand. We are figuring out how to do life in a new country together and for that we are truly grateful.
Moving to a new country is the biggest life roller-coaster you will ever ride. It is challenging, but I am sure it will be rewarding. We are not quite settled yet, and honestly, we are taking it as it comes – let’s just hope we come out it alive!
FELLOW EXPATS, WHAT IS ONE THING YOU THINK PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT BEFORE THEY MOVE TO A NEW COUNTRY?
Unlock the simple life,
~Meg~
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It’s funny, the difficulties you describe getting a bank account in Ireland are the same difficulties I faced getting a bank account in SA (except for the part about making an appointment — South Africans don’t make appointments, haha). The bottom line is, day-to-day logistics like this are HARD for foreigners but generally easy for locals. Sometimes I just wish the whole world would chill out and stop trying to make life difficult for people who are different from themselves.
That’s the thing – only since moving here are we realising that expats all over the world battle with similar things! So it is not just Ireland or just us, which makes me feel heaps better. It must get easier though, or people would stop doing it, right?! 🙂
Good post! I moved country in my teens and there is definitely truth in what you say.
Thanks Ashley, I can imagine moving in your teens can be equally challenging but for different reasons!
ah so much of this rings true – I can’t believe how much paperwork there is here? They’re obsessed with paperwork! Everything – I mean everything – in Australia is online / paperless. I have a box of papers now which I never had before! “Still figuring out how to put the trash out” made me giggle, but everything else is a sad reflection. I’m actually working on another post for frequent questions and misconceptions people here have about Australia – all those questions annoy me too. And I totally get that there’s no going back. I can’t go back to that full stop! I’ve been here a year and I have like, one new friend haha. Sigh.
Ah Laura, at least you can relate, so it is not just me being super overly dramatic about life!
Not in the least! I hate that “you can always come home” – no you don’t get it; I *have* to do this!
Visa, visa, work permit my biggest fear and nightmare since moving to South Africa in 2008. I paid off my car because I’m worried they will kick us out when our Zimbo permits expire in December. Living in a new country is hard you’re right but somewhere along the lines you will find your feet.
I love that you and Rob have taken the time to immerse in the culture. I didn’t and I feel now that I missed a big opportunity to blend in with the locals. Being a foreigner sucks.
It is crazy that only since being here do i realise how hard it must have been for you! I am sorry Sam, but I relate very well to all now. Permits and visas are such a drag!
I really enjoyed reading your views. I hope that your glitches get ironed out and you guys settle well here.
Thanks Sandra, slowly getting there. I am writing this now so that years later we can look back and have a good chuckle that we went through it and survived!
Love it – great way to see how far you’ve come (hopefully, lol)
Awe friend! I feel like shit now realizing that I haven’t exactly been as supportive as I could’ve / should’ve been. Sorry. I read ALL your blogs and look out for all your posts when you take Jack for walks (mainly because Jack makes my day!) but I didn’t know just how tough things were. Reading this now has made me realize just how brave & strong you really are. I miss my running buddy more than you know. Hoping you look back soon and see just how far you’ve come. Hang in there. Great, honest & eye-opening blog post. X
Aww Bron, I miss you too – it was so lovely to catch up yesterday. And yes, small steps forward and we will get there I am sure. X
Girl you’ve PUT IT INTO WORDS! I moved to England 3 years ago for love and love of the language, but it’s been very difficult at times and it’s very comforting to read that I’m not the only one with these struggles. I hope things are good for you though <3
Thanks Nele, it has been so good to know that other expats have felt the same at one point in the journey!
All of this, YES! I grew up with a father in the service and spent a good amount of time being the “outsider” overseas. We never lived on base so I definitely felt the differences.
It is hard! but that kinds makes life exciting right?!
Thank you for sharing some of the truth behind it! While I don’t plan to leave my home country (for now), I am planning to leave the only city I have ever lived in to hit the road and I think a lot of this applies really well. There are definitely parts I am sure I have romanticized, but the closer it gets to being a reality the more nervous I am getting and I have been looking for someone to give me a true picture. Thanks!!
It is hard being away from familiar surroundings but it is such an adventure at the same time – your trip sounds amazing! good luck and happy exploring!
Such a great post. I have been discussing with my husband to live out of the country for a year or so—we travel a ton and appreciate culture. And his work takes him many places. I can only imagine the change, as I went through a lot moving out of state with no friends or family. Add in a different language and culture and it would be a lot more difficult! But I also believe as you do, that anything is doable! Our challenges offer us growth and strength! xo~D
Yes, grow through challenges and change. I think even though everything is crazy right now, I am still so happy to have gone through this experience.
I’ve only done study abroad where you are young,a nd have a built in group of friends in the other students. Plus its much shorter. Interesting that you feel you have to be a “brand” ambassador for your own country, I wonder if Americans feel that way. I hope you are enjoying Ireland! I’ve never been!
Yes, I aupaired when I was younger and definitely had the time of my life! loads of friends but also loads of security in that everything was set up for me. I think South Africa gets a bit of a bad rap internationally – a lot of people seem to think it is not safe to travel or visit, but tourism is a lifeline for many people in SA, so it is important to make tourists feel welcome and encourage them to visit our home country. We might not be proud of our president, but that shouldn’t cancel out the millions of amazing people that live there! 🙂
Interesting read. We have briefly contemplated moving from the US to New Zealand, but we haven’t thought everything through yet.
I think moving countries is still so rewarding, and it is an adventure – but I do think, there are pro’s and cons to everything too! Good luck with your move!
My partner is from a different country and we have thought about moving there. I really needed to see all of these things that I definitely didn’t think about moving to a new country.
It’s often the smallest things that you don’t think about that end up being a bit of a shock to the system – still, moving home for your partner will be great, and the fact that you can share that together will be equally special.
Getting scared now for my move now! 6 more weeks!
All I can say is plan and save, and go in with the understanding that it can be nothing like you imagined. It is going to be an adjustment, but likely a great experience and well worth it in the end!
Such a great post Meg. Moving overseas is HARD and even if you have prepared yourself mentally for the knowledge that it will be different, you so totally have no idea of what that looks like in reality. It’s lonely, you feel sad (and then guilty for feeling sorry for yourself because it was your choice right?) and alternatively happy because you’re experiencing such great things – like different cultures and travelling (when budget allows). I wouldn’t change my decision to spend 7 years overseas but I definitely agree that I was completely surprised by how difficult I found the first few YEARS. So hang in there lovely, you’re brave and beautiful!
Thanks so much Nats, it is hard – but it makes it easier knowing that others have been through it, and it will get easier. X
Wow what an amazing experience to live in another country! And you’re so positive about it all!
It really has been such an adventure!
I hear you. I have moved to 4 countries in my life so far. It is easier when you are younger and gets harder and harder as you grow older and choose to move. Making new friends is the hardest for me.
It really does get harder when you get older, and making friends has been hard for me too!
I can relate! As an American expat in Croatia, adjusting is taking a while. But part of me wants to stay forever anyway!
Croatia is on my bucket list to visit – I am sure it is entirely different to live there though!
Thanks for your frankness. With everything going on politically in the United States these days, I have been really wanting to leave. Not that I have the means but…it’s a definite thought. Sooooo anyway, it’s good to know what the difficulties will be. Though I’m sure there are some you haven’t encountered which are specific to Americans :/
I think it is a great experience to go through, living in a new country has good and bad. the grass is not always greener else where too!
Very very true – not an easy thing to just move out, leave everything behind and start a life somewhere else. It’s hard even when moving within your own country, not to mention moving to the other side of the world. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I really hope that in all of those challenges you will find the strength to make the kind of life you went there for! 🙂 Fingers crossed!!
Thanks Marta, we are definitely learning and growing from this experience!
I’ve wanted to travel ever since I can remember – I think a lot of people have this ideal experience in mind when they think of traveling or moving and setting up permanent residence in a new country. It’s this fantasy idea that looks something like an episode of Househunters International.
But when you break it down like this, and dig a little deeper, you start to understand how challenging it can be, and I think that’s what a lot of people fail to realize. I really enjoyed reading your take on this, Meg. I definitely have a lot more empathy now and understanding for people who have immigrated.
I am starting to realise the quote “The grass is greener where you water it” is so accurate. We just have to make the most of every situation I definitely think moving countries is challenging, but it is also so rewarding – I hope you get to experience it one day, it is not all bad!
So spot on! It’s a little harder too when you have kids (as we do) we have been expats now for 5 years and sometimes things can still be a challenge. For instance I miss my family, friends (and yes you lose some friends along the way!). The language the hardest for me, thank goodness I’m OK now, but still, at times I wish I can just say what I want without having to think hard and long about it!
I can only imagine how hard it must be with Kids, but you look like you are doing it all well!
All these things are true! Having traveled to different countries myself I have experience many of these things first hand. We take for granted how many ways there are to do the same thing.
I know, why can’t all the admin and paperwork be standardised? 🙂 The funny thing is the minute it is all sorted, none of it feels so bad anymore!
Hi Meg!! Great post, very comprehensive list that is so incredibly true. I’ve written about a bunch of your points over the years and some people “get it” and others never will. The friends thing has been one of my biggest hurdles (been here 5.5 years) and always feeling foreign. Agree that moving abroad is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Hope it’s OK to post a link, maybe you’d enjoy this big reflections post I wrote: ouiinfrance.com/2017/03/22/reflecting-on-5-years-france-expat/
Nice to “meet” you! 😉
So lovely to meet you too, Diane. I found your blog post and your story so inspiring – definitely plan to further explore your previous posts and follow your journey from now on. Here’s to digital friends and friends in other countries 🙂
Stumbled upon your blog when doing research for our move. Loved this, can completely relate on so many levels! Greetings from DE 🙂
Thanks Nikki and welcome! 🤗
Thank you! I’m moving to Cambodia from the US in three weeks. I want to set realistic expectations of the move for myself. This was so helpful!
Wow Sheila, all the best with your move abroad!